We have an even number so, Hal, you'll muddle through today with Heston
and we'll reconstitute the teams tomorrow.
Let's go, Wallace.
Would you like to tell me what our Affirmative case is?
Or would you rather it be a surprise?
Uh...
good-- good-- good morning there, Judge.
Good, uh-- good-- good--
good morning to you, uh...
both, you, our esteemed opponents.
Good morning, uh...
The--
ab-- ab--
That, uh--
resolved that-- that--
that-- that-- that-- that, uh--
that it, uh...
How much time, timer?
Yeah, hello?
Mr.-- Mr.-- uh-- um, Mr.--
Hal? What's the matter?
lt's-- it's, uh-- it's, uh,
well, it's funny that you ask, actually.
Um, l've-- l'm just-- l'm just here at, um--
l'm at-- l'm at-- l'm at Hazlet--
Hazlet High School, at the debate.
And spent the last-- l've--
l spent the last seven minutes of my round-one speech
trying-- trying to say the resolution.
- Oh, man. - Yeah.
Well, there's that video l gave you, ''Singing lnstead of Talking.''
Yeah, did, uh-- did rat poison and a straw come with that video?
Well, my ex-girlfriend, the phD at Annenberg,
she used to say her brother never stuttered if he spoke in an accent.
You could try the accent you know best,
and maybe that would help.
Well, anyway, l wouldn't count on it.
Mina's advice was about as far-fetched as she was.
You know, open relationships just...
don't work, Hal.
What?
Uh, l'm advising...
that you should try to do an accent.
- Okay? - lf l do that
you won't see-- you won't see me on Monday.
'Cause l'll already be-- l'll be on a--
l'll probably be on a plane to--
Can you hold on for a sec?
Okay, l should--
l should, mayb-- maybe l should--
l should probably go.
Good afternoon,
esteemed opponents from Glen Rock.
Good afternoon. Let's get our-- let--
let's, uh-- let-- let--
let's get, uh, down and-- down and-- down and dirty,
shall we, with this-- this thing--
this thing-- this thing-- this thing l'll call our plan.
Excuse me, l'm--
l'm-- l'm--
l'm-- l'm really sorry.
Slice of pizza or Sloppy Joes,
and l don't want to debate about it.
l'll take the pizza.
Townsend prep's just a really, really good school.
Slice of pizza or Sloppy Joes
and l don't want to debate you on it.
pizza, two slices.
Slice of pizza, Sloppy Joes, and l don't want to debate about it.
Um...
l'll-- l'll have the--
not the-- the, um--
- the, um... - We're out of pizza.
Sloppy Joes are all that's left.
But they're not that terrible if you've never had really good ones before.
Thank you, ma'am.
She's not here.
Ginny and l don't eat at tournaments--
draws blood from the brain.
...will cause special love in adulthood.
l just-- l don't--
l don't really know what to do here.
Well, um, this is the girls' room.
So...
Okay.
l want to read, also, what one judge wrote
about Virginia. She wrote:
''Virginia may be the next Barbara Jordan.''
How about that?
First place, lndividual Speaker--
Virginia Ryerson.
Where's the trophy?
Thank you.
Hal Hefner, stay a moment, would you?
l'm gonna regroup.
Um, let's be adults here
and think about who could use...
a little time on the sidelines.
Ginny recruited me.
Okay? She intuited--
intuited that l-- that l--
that my-- that my brain was made for this.
l mean, you can't even-- you can't even ask me a question
without my brain filling up with retorts.
lt's-- it's full of retorts.
Do you know Mento Buin,
who doesn't speak more than six words of English?
Or Evie Spedarsky,
who has such pronounced lrritable Bowel Syndrome
that she's being studied by a team at princeton?
no.
What about Elvis Hunsinger,
the boy who pees himself in gym class?
Well, everybody knows...
Elvis.
She tried to recruit them all.
never crossed my mind that this could be some scheme of hers,
but, when you think about it
looks pretty pat.
Your mom's running late but wants us to--
Hey, now.
Wait a minute. Let me see.
Oh, Jesus!
Man, oh man!
The most Heston ever hauled in was an honorable mention
in the Hip-hop Danceathon.
But this is too much coming from you!
On behalf of your dad...
This goes on the dining room table for your mom to see when she gets home.
Whoo!
My dad told me l was the world's utmost idiot
for not realizing you won something today.
please accept my belated congratulations.
- Hello? - Hello, Sylvia.
Fern didn't say anything about Lewis's friends stopping by!
l get paid per kid!
She can't be going to bed.
Resolved!
Sylvia, no tip for you tonight.
Fuck!
There's a cello in your house now.
l hate you!
Mommy and Judge pete hate you!
Daddy hates you!
Melody, Daddy's new girlfriend, hates you.
That bottle was reposado, you doofus dunce!
Uncle Chaz spent big bucks on that.
Uncle Chaz hates you!
That's all l wanted to say.
There's pineapple cake in the fridge.
lf you're late l'll eat the whole cake, so don't be late.
Maybe you should put the whole debate thing behind you,
all a-- a lark of adolescence.
We all have 'em.
Mine was cheerleading.
l was the one boy on the cheerleading squad.
lmagine that, huh?
Give me a ''H,'' uh-uh-uh. Give me a ''A,''
uh-uh-uh. Give me a ''L,'' uh-uh-uh.
What does that spell? Hal.
That-- that image is--
is not really helping.
Just-- just because debate was a wipeout,
l mean, you know, a colossal wipeout,
doesn't mean that you're a failure.
lt's the activity that failed you.
Hey, there's nothing to say you couldn't try for the Spanish Club.
You could be Spanish Club Vice president in no time.
Kyle Felowitz is El Vice presidente.
Yeah.
My point, Hal, is that
you have to get out of your own way here, man,
go back to living the way you were before you tried to exceed
your-- your limitations.
Hal Hefner floated above his life,
saw the world around him as if he were just a ghost
floating through.
nothing could harm him now.
nothing could move him or make him love again.
He was that kind of ghost.
The kind that couldn't love again.
...observation 1-A.
Diversion is the norm.
Quoting from the ''Journal of Adult Sexuality'' '7 4:
the root cause of sexual dysfunction are many...
As a boy ghost,
Hal Hefner surveyed the world as he knew it.
And in everything he saw was evidence that life goes on
with or without love.
He had stopped thinking about the girl,
had stopped dreaming about her,
or, even if that wasn't entirely true,
had stopped dreaming a certain kind of dream about her.
Well, maybe most of the time.
Then spring came--
11 months after his father left;
six months since he last saw Ginny;
and six since they'd kissed.
Over and over again!
- Just stop! - l just want us to be buddies.
Be buddies with yourself!
Boys...
your mom and l are over. That's according to her.
She said that it was all her, that it's always all her
- and could we be buddies? - This is a very complicated
adult relationship.
This is why your dad left.
You're just so messed up!
Shit!
Good God!
Mommy! Mommy! Hal's freaking out in the garage!
This is gonna turn out bad, l can feel it.
Virginia Ryerson, please come to the main office.
Virginia Ryerson, you have a visitor in the main office.
Are you her little brother?
You look like you could be her little brother.
l'm-- l'm her ex-lover.
Take a seat. She'll be with you in a minute.
So how far did you get with her?
Does-- does it count as second base
when it's groping through the shirt?
Maybe in public school.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, uh...
l--
l have, uh-- it's spring break at plainsboro.
l have-- l have the-- the day off.
Okay.
l'm going back to A.p. Latin now.
Wait-- l'm-- l'm returning this to you.
lt belongs to you and--
and it's important to me that you have it.
lt's your Hazlet trophy.
l had a bad night, but l'm better now.
l don't want the trophy.
l'm-- l'm gonna go back to class. You need to leave.
Wait-- every-- every-- every--
everybody has their own path!
And, uh...
Security, please report to the main office.
need you to deal with a...
stuttering boy in the main office.
lt was like he was pretending,
pretending that it could all be what it was.
But it can't.
You can only pretend for so long before the forces that be
take that away from you.
Just like that, it took off
and he found himself sprinting.
lt was ridiculous, but he did-- he sprinted.
You don't let love collapse all around you and not put up a fight.
You punch back,
unless you can find someone else to throw the punch for you.
Then, by all means, do that.
Yeah?
Uh, l'm-- l'm here from plainsboro High,
and l've-- l've, uh-- l've come here to find you.
Wait in the front if you care to.
My shift ends on the hour.
Oh, l care to.
Yeah, well, that's fine. Wait in front.
That's God doing your dry-cleaning.
God does dry-cleaning.
He wears a smock.
Man, it's a blessing to be squarely and dearly
out of the goddamn suburbs.
Suck the marrow right from you, the suburbs will.
And it takes years
in the big city to inject the life back into you--
literal years.
You-- you mean, the big city is--
is-- is Trenton?
That's right-- Trenton.
Oh.
Did Ginny send you?
Oh no, she doesn't-- she doesn't-- she doesn't know anything.
- Lumbly? - no, no. no.
Because if this is part of a grand design to get me back to school...
You smell that bus exhaust?
That'll be what you leave behind
on your way back to plainsboro without me.
Wait. The thing is, is that, uh...
what l want-- what l want-- what l need is your help.
You don't even know me.
You-- you do realize you're like--
you're like a legend at pHS, right?
Right, l'm the next Shelley Hasty.
Who is-- who's she?
He. He supposedly drove a Chevy nova
into the cafeteria in 1986.
There's a plaque somewhere next to a water fountain in his honor.
Well...
l'm-- l'm gonna be the next legend at pHS.
And that's-- that's not gonna happen for me any other way
than to win-- uh, to win at States.
You're gonna win at States?
Yes.
Well-- well-- well, uh...
we are, yes.
lt's so pointless.
That's the realization l came to at States last year:
Life is nothing but repetition,
the same thing over and over.
Somebody might give you a trophy
and that's supposed to mean you're making progress,
but there's no such thing. The fights you fight today
are the fights you fight till you die.
Yeah, well be-- be that as it may--
Sure.
Be that as it may.
Wait, it's not some college-application bullshit
that is-- that's like the driving force here, or any bullshit.
l'm sure.
no, uh, do you want to know what it is?
Yeah. What it is, is...
what it-- what it is, is--
uh, it's, uh--
is, uh, is--
no, what-- what it is, is...
it's-- well, it's love.
Well, if it's not that, then--
then it's the need for-- for revenge
when-- when love goes bad.
lt's one of those two, love or revenge.
l'm not really sure which one.
But it's one of those two things
that made me throw a cello through somebody's window.
So you figure it out.
An actual cello?
l mean, like, yeah, like symphony-size, as far as l know.
You know, that's pretty sharp in my book,
as far as reasons go.
Yeah, it took a bunch of throws,
but you know, l'm good for a bunch.
Have l got this right?
Your contention is that we should debate as a team?
You, an inexperienced kid with a bad and unpredictable stutter,
me, not having debated at all this year
and having no knowledge of the resolution.
ln support of this, you basically offer up
that you threw a cello through someone's window.
lt's charming, no question.
But is it persuasive?
Why not make the case
that, A: allowing me to return to States and win this year
will tie up that loose end so that l can forge ahead
free from any of life's regrets;
B: That charitable enterprises such as this
would be the lifeblood of advanced civilizations
even, perhaps especially in places like Trenton, new Jersey;
And C: that while this life here is infinitely preferable
to the wretchedness of the suburbs,
it's also not quite what l must have had in mind
and maybe l miss some of the mundane thrills of policy debate.
Yeah, l mean, all of that.
This goes against my better judgment.
lt does. But what we'll need is one Affirmative case
and one all-purpose negative counterplan.
We can't do a year's worth of work in one month,
so we'll concentrate on those two lines of attack.
You'll have to arrange with your parents--
do you have parents?
Oh, yeah, l have a--
a mom that l see most days and--
and l see my dad some weekends.
You'll have to come to some arrangement with them
or else let go of trying to
so that you can spend evenings and weekends here.
We'll register as a home-schooled team.
My grandmother will sign whatever official paperwork is required.
But all such considerations wait on our priority,
and that's finding you your voice.
Suddenly, Trenton was a different city;
no longer a dead end but a starting place.
Trenton:
the very city of triumph.
Fire when ready!
This isn't-- this isn't
very good for one's spirit.
l can't hear you!
lt's-- it's spirit-crushing, l said.
Fine.
What should l say?
Give me your standard Affirmative opening.
Yeah.
You know, l haven't really said it enough for it to really be--
for it to be standard.
Throw me the cello!
Uh...
Let's get down and dirty. Let's get down...
Let's-- let's get--
let's get, uh...
let's get-- let us-- let us--
uh, okay, let's just-- let-- let us--
lt's a riddle.
Yeah, yeah.
What it is is one of those rare instances
where one of us having an advanced college-degree might actually help.
l won't whisper.
lt's a trick, but it's-- it's, uh--
it's crap. lt's a crap trick.
And l won't-- l won't do an accent,
however good-- however-- however--
however good l may be at them.
So that just leaves-- that's-- that's just--
that's just singing.
Singing my speeches.
And then-- and after that,
arran-- arranging to have my--
have my-- my--
have my ashes scattered
over the plainsboro Municipal pond.
You know, l've--
l've thought about the whole-- the singing,
and, uh...
l don't think l can do it,
the song thing.
This is ''The Battle Hymn of the Republic.''
We might prefer something more modern, l realize,
but this is the only piece l can play all the way through.
What you're gonna do
is just learn the song well enough to keep it in your head,
to let it flow through you
as you speak-sing your speeches.
And we'll write to fit the rhyme.
We think our case will state
that sex is bound to be explored...
- Abs-- abstinence is the catalyst-- - Breathe.
- Breathe first. - Abstinence is the catalyst...
...to-- to support such a-- such a--
- a far-ranging-- platform. - l got it.
Go away!
That's Dad's.
l thought you could use a bigger suitcase--
one with an actual handle.
l swear, penelope, l don't know what you would do
without someone in this family who can steal and then organize.
Could l have a request, Earl?
lf-- if l win today,
could we say-- could we say that
you-- you'll stop calling me with girls' names?
Could we say that, if l win?
Let's not push it, shall we?
Besides, penelope's my favorite girl's name.
All right, well, could we-- could we
maybe just leave it with penelope then?
Yeah, we can do that.
Thank you and welcome
to the 43rd Annual new Jersey State Debate Championships.
There are 22 schools represented here
from every region in the state.
Every preliminary round through the semifinals
will take place in the classrooms
in the adjacent academic buildings.
You'll only return to this auditorium at the end of the day
for the final round
and the presentation of the trophy.
now, before we begin,
l want you to give yourselves a big round of applause.
That's right.
now, pairings for the first three rounds are randomized.
Then they're weighted by win-lose record.
Would you sign this?
lt's my favorite brief of the year.
lt says that abstinence leads to a global crisis
in mental health.
Aren't you that Chinese boy?
l'm K-Korean, yes.
And just-- just so-- just so that you're-- that you're aware,
it's really ignorant to lump us all into one category like that.
You all can't win,
but you are all winners. Good luck to you.
You think our case will state that sex
is bound to be explored,
that adding funds for abstinence
is what l will have roared.
But such a case has been heard so much that we are bored.
Our plan is, thus, not that.
Our-- our-- uh-- uh--
our-- our--
our government can best support teaching abstinence
by refraining from the common and ugly arrogance.
lnstead of telling us we should never do the dance
they should adopt this plan:
Amend the Constitution so that no one over 20
can serve in government, there'll be only kids a-plenty.
We'll-- we'll-- write the laws and fix sex ed,
and it won't cost a penny.
That's our basic plan.
What we'll-- what we'll--
what we'll do is create a new federal government
where teenagers are only-- are-- are the only-- the only voices of authority.
By doing so-- we'll help-- we'll help create
a-- a wider consensus among teens.
lt's a more-- it's a more dem-- it's more-- it's more--
it's a more democratic system and democracy is
the very basis for love
as we'll argue below in the rest of my song-speech.
now, please-- please turn to--
contingent-- contingent one of our plan.
now-- now-- now, this one's a little harder to get the whole--
the whole-- the kinda-- the-- the rhyme scheme for it,
because-- uh, because of all the quotes that say--
that have ''sexologist'' in them which isn't really--
it doesn't-- it doesn't really rhyme with too much.
But it basically-- it basically goes like this:
The role-- the role of the sexologist--
Gentlemen, come with me.
- Ben. - Marsha.
The bow tie, the pretty boutonniere?
- Yes, sir, it stirs the pot a little. - For me too, Coach.
- no, don't do that. - Excuse me, Coach?
l'm-- l'm-- l'm like--
l'm a minute into my-- into my opening.
And, uh-- well, uh--
well, l've-- well, uh-- well, l'm killing in there.
Aren't l killing?
l've heard worse.
She's-- she's heard worse.
There was an objection raised to your entering here today.
And the new Jersey League officials have already voted on it
and it doesn't feel altogether great to have to tell you this.
You're not home-schooled, Mr. Hefner.
And working most days at a dry-cleaner's, Mr. Wekselbaum,
means that you're not either.
You've been barred from the competition.
You're welcome to stay and observe if you like.
You know, we-- we, uh...
might have actually won the whole thing.
probably not if you really apply powers of reason to it.
So that's-- so-- so--
uh-- so that's-- that's it?
Come and visit me sometime, if you want.
We'll reminisce about this and what it means.
Teen sexual experimentation in these programs...
Well, uh-- uh--
today was not my day. Okay?
But-- but, uh-- but-- but, uh--
some-- someday will be. And-- and on-- on that day,
you-- you will be sitting at home alone.
At home.
And you'll-- you'll think to yourself-- when you're alone
that-- that-- that--
l knew him when.
Him being me.
Anarchy is not only the best system in which to encourage adult maturation,
it is also the best system in which to encourage sexual liberation.
Don't you dare go thinking this was easy for me or simple!
lf you think my feelings on the matter were clear,
then you'd be underestimating my complexity.
And while l see that you don't recognize this now,
you actually have me to thank--
in part, modesty forces me to acknowledge,
but in large part-- for your newfound zest of competition and gamesmanship.
That was very clever of you, to find Ben.
Surprisingly clever and very painful.
Which means that l upped your game, little man.
You're welcome!
Liberation breeds liberation, i.e.
sexual freedom inspires political freedom.
At the heart of all liberty is the liberty to engage...
Sir?
l will have one of--
l'll have one of the--
l'll have a slice of your--
the-- of--
one of your-- one of your--
l'll have a slice of the-- of the--
the-- the-- one of-- what--
l mean, you can imagine it's not fish
because you don't have any fish here.
At least l hope not.
lt's good. Um...
but l'll have a slice of the-- of your--
one of your-- um, slices of the-- the--
the-- the-- the pizza.
You can pay me when you're through.
You know, why don't l make it not just--
not-- not just-- not-- not one--
not one slice, but, uh,
l'll have-- l'll have--
not one.
l'm gonna close up in a bit.
Why don't you just take all three?
Otherwise they're getting trashed.
Yes!
Thank you. Thanks.
Eventually, all of this would pass.
And the memory of it would give way to embellishment
and fantasy and outright distortion
until it was hard for Hal Hefner to remember
what he was really like back then.
When he still carried in his head the sound of
a madeup perfect voice,
the voice that could speak its heart,
the voice he used to wish he had,
until the day he stopped wishing he sounded like anyone else
and just started talking as he was.
You okay?
Yeah, l'm okay.
But, uh, listen...
what do you-- what do you--
l mean, what are your thoughts on...
like on-- on--
on love?
Oh, man, it's so late, Hal.
l, um...
l couldn't find the-- the off-ramp.
And l ended up circling back three times.
And, uh--
l don't even know if l know how to get you back to plainsboro.
You know, it shouldn't be--
shouldn't-- it really shouldn't be like rocket,
uh-- shouldn't be rocket, um--
Sometimes, l don't know,
l guess l just wonder when
it all starts to make sense, you know?
All what?
All this. You know, everything.
Oh.
Well, l guess there comes a point,
you see, when you reach a certain age
and you're in Jersey,
or someplace just like it,
and...
you stop trying to figure it all out.
You just...
are glad for what you have.
Oh.
And that-- that-- that--
that just, like, happens for everyone?
Yeah. pretty much.
But you let me know if it turns out different for you.
l'll do that.
l'll find...
a-- a way-- a g--
some good way
of letting you know how it all works out.